Chuck Norris jokes

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Chuck Norris died, but the Grim Reaper hasn't found the courage to tell him yet

Chuck Norris hates Raymond.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card

Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.

note none of these jokez r minee.. i just copied and pasted wit out looking at em

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

-Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

-If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

-The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

-Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

-Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

-When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

-Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

-The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

-What was going through the minds of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

-Chuck Norris once showed up at Google and demanded that they rename their search engine "Chuck Norris." When they refused, Chuck roundhouse kicked Google in the face, transforming it's bruised remains into Google Dark.

-Chuck Norris affects the price of stock quotes and land values. Wherever he is, prices drop due to the danger of a sudden catastrophe. He bought his own home for 30 cents and one roundhouse kick.

-If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

-The following is a short list of things Chuck Norris cannot do: .

-If you make a list of 10 things Chuck Norris cannot do, he will appear at your house and perform them all. Your life may be forfeit.

-Chuck Norris once taught a class called "Ass Kicking 101". There were no survivors.

-Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

-When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

-Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

-The Big Bang was actually Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking God in the face.

-Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.

-Chuck Norris Isn't funny, stop laughing.

-Chuck Norris has an unbeatable poker face, concealed beneath an even more unbeatable poker beard.

-While a normal poker face conceals the emotion of its wearer, Chuck Norris’s poker face skips all that and just drives other players insane. As a result, the only way to survive a game of poker against Chuck Norris is to play online, and even then you still might go insane.

-When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

-Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

-Q: What’s 30 times Chuck Norris?
A: Oblivion.

-Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

-In conversation, Chuck Norris often quotes himself, and then laughs about it.

-Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

-February 29th only occurs once every four years because Chuck Norris wills it to be so.

-There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

-Chuck Norris really likes the movie 101 Dalmatians. No one knows why.

-Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

-In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

-There’s an old Chuck Norris saying: “He who has the Chuck Norris makes the rules.” It’s one of those nonsensical old sayings, since it implies that someone can “have” Chuck Norris.

-When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

-Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

-A man stopped Chuck Norris on the street and asked him to list 100 Chuck Norris facts. Unamused, Chuck Norris raised one eyebrow with such force that the man disintegrated.

-Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

-Chuck Norris once picked a fight with a duck. The duck turned out to have several 10th degree blackbelts, and was the most formidable adversary Chuck Norris ever faced. Funny how random the universe can be.

-When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

-Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

-There are no steroids in baseball, just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

-If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris

chuck norris jokes are funy

Chuck Norris goes to Wendy's and asks for a Big Mac. Guess what? He got one.

*By: ever25 (I just put it up)

i found that one in google cracked me up the first time

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.




In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.



The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.



Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.



The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably.



Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the **** down.



Chuck Norris once commented, "There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none."



Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid.



Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.



Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.



The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually live in Chuck Norris's nutsack.



When observing a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick in slow motion, one finds that Chuck Norris actually rapes his victim in the ass, smokes a cigarette with Dennis Leary, and then roundhouse kicks them in the face.



Chuck Norris put humpty dumpty back together again, only to roundhouse kick him in the face. Later Chuck dined on scrambled eggs with all the king's horses and all the king's men. The king himself could not attend for unspecified reasons. Coincidentally, the autopsoy revealed the cause of death to be a roundhouse kick to the face. There is only one King.



When Chuck Norris played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to Chuck: "excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole". Chuck Norris turned towards the man and said, im Chuck Norris, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face anyways.




Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.



Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two"



Chuck Norris' iPod came with a real charger instead of just a USB cord



Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.



Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face several times



China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.



Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about



If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.



Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus’ birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus' birthday.



When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.



Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.



Chuck Norris once kicked a baby elephant into puberty



Multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger.



Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.



Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.



Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.



If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the **** down



Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris



Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.



Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.



Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.



A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.



Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.



There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.



Chuck Norris never cries, because of this when he's sad he roundhouse kicks himself and it makes him feel better since he knows he is the only one who can survive the roundhouse.



Chuck Norris does not procreate, he breeds



When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Chuck Norris responded slyly with "Don't you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?"



Chuck Norris' evil twin brother, Richard Simmons, once approached Chuck with the hope of reconciliation, but at the sight of Richard's curly, well kept hair, Chuck Norris became so enraged that he turned green with hate and ripped Richard Simmons arms and legs off. This action was the origin of the Marvel Comic badass, The Incredible Hulk.



Chuck Norris doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.



Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.



Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.



Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.



Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face.



If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.



When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.



Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.



Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.



God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.



When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.



Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.



A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.



Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.



Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.



Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.



If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.



Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.



Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.



If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.



Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.



Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.



Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.



Chuck Norris invented water.



Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.



Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found em!”



One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.



Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.



Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.



Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.



Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.



In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.



Chuck Norris isn’t lactose intolerant. He just doesn’t put up with lactose’s shit.



Chuck Norris doesn’t eat. Rather he kicks ass until he’s full.



Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.



Chuck Norris once threated to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked what “his way” detailed, he replied: “with barbed wire and nails, of course”. He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking.



Chuck Norris never “gets laid”, rather: “laid gets Chuck”.

Playgirl magazine once asked Chuck Norris to appear naked in an issue, Chuck laughed at the opporunity saying “there isn’t enough paper in the world to contain my bearded member”. He then killed the editors simply by unzipping his pants.



Helen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris



Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There we no survivors.



When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”



Chuck Norris doesnt have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.



When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.



On June 7th 1994, Chuck Norris entered the same restaurant supermodel Cindy Crawford was eating at. Instinctively, Cindy swept everything off the table, threw herself on it in a fit of lust, and begged Chuck to ravish her. After Chuck finished his beer, he obliged her. When Chuck's magnificent lead sperm cannoned into Cindy's womb it went straight to one of her ovaries and roared, "Which one of you servile wenches thinks you can handle getting split
open by the Chuck!?" All of the eggs cowered in the corner. The same thing happened at the other ovary. "I didn't **** think so!" shouted the lead sperm which then lead the rest of the troops back into Chuck's balls. Chuck pulled out; roundhouse kicked Cindy in the face and told her, "Don't ever waste my time again."



Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.



There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.



Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.



Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was
a meteor, and still owes him a beer.



Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.



Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.



Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.



After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more "humane".



Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.



Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then trank three kegs and shat on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.



Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.



Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.



Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

The Big Bang wasn't the creation of the universe..............it was Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking God in the face.

The Pokemon Master wrote:The Big Bang wasn't the creation of the universe..............it was Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking God in the face.

i heard that lol but who created chuck nor- -gets rounhouse kicked in the face-

o.o *ish scared* e.e

OMFG CHUCK NORRIS RETURNZ.......................

Superman wears Chuck Norris underpants. If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris was once put on the wrapper for a toilet paper company. The company field tested it but it didn't work because Chuck Norris doesn't take crap from nobody. When Chuck Norris falls out of a boat he dosn't get wet the water gets Chuck Norrised
When Chuck Norris does pushups, he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the world down The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn't even come close.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he just stares them down until he gets the information he wants out of them. Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer; too bad he has never cried.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the f*ck down When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire. Chuck Norris is suing NBC for their show Law & Order claiming it is the trademarked names of his left and right legs.
There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks. The Boogeyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris every night.
Chuck Norris turns on a night light when he goes to bed. It's not because he's scared of the dark - it's Because the dark is scared of him. Chuck Norris was originally considered for the part of Jesus in the Passion of the Christ. However, the director realized that Chuck Norris cannot show the emotion of pain. He can only inflict it.
When Chuck Norris looks in the mirror, it breaks because it is smart enough to know not to get in the middle of Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris Darth Vader dresses up as Chuck Norris for Halloween.
A blind man bumped into Chuck Norris. The simple act of touching him cured the man's blindness. Unfortunately, the first and last thing the man saw was a fatal roundhouse kick to the face by Chuck Norris. If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more than you.
When girls have sex with god, they scream CHUCK NORRIS!! Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Some kids piss their names in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name in concrete. Chuck Norris has clicked the unclickable button... twice
A handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard.” Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after, all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. There is no Life or Death, only Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicking you in the face.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life. Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist. Chuck Norris' beard is barbed wire soaked in ox blood and held together by the souls of mortals.
Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits. Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*ck down.
There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
The original name of the movie was Alien vs Predator vs Chuck Norris, but the producers realized that nobody would ever watch a movie that only lasted fourteen seconds. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
After taking a steroids test, doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?" Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open. Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division.” There is no 'Ctrl' button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Who would win the race between Ironman and Superman to the moon?

Chuck Norris Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f*cuking Indian.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands. 2609 8.476
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the **** he wants. 2832 8.475
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. 2085 8.469
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete. 3570 8.466
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square. 145 8.462
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. 2436 8.424
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris. 5310 8.406
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. 1485 8.405
Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime. 2430 8.400
Chuck Norris can speak braille. 1949 8.396
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter". 1691 8.299
Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves. 488 8.297
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno. 1695 8.245
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin. 910 8.240
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle. 816 8.203
On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence. 664 8.200
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance." 1015 8.132
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. 1089 8.120
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died. 1122 8.086
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him. 1165 8.069
Chuck Norris runs Windows Vista on his Etch-a-Sketch. 123 8.057
Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds. 2770 8.010
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's **** beef. 1153 7.969
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors. 1222 7.967
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse. 1138 7.960
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. 1113 7.953
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas. 1187 7.901
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick ass at the same time. 122 7.852
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. 926 7.772
Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result. 1252 7.736
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris 889 7.735
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird. 967 7.724
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live. 791 7.700
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone. 911 7.688
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop. 923 7.670
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. 1188 7.669
Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano 178 7.663
Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel. 958 7.648
If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister. 842 7.644
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience. 865 7.643
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash. 1029 7.590
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face. 904 7.571
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone. 667 7.561
Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon 82 7.549
Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never **** up. 903 7.546
Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body. 990 7.530
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them. 870 7.530
The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep. 657 7.518
Chuck Norris eats the core of an apple first. 82 7.512
Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder. 500 7.494
Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants. 822 7.449

Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction. 454 7.430
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris. 91 7.429
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain. 845 7.428
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this. 782 7.413
In 1991, Chuck Norris shot a 14 on an 18 hole golf course, falling short of his personal best by 2 strokes. 80 7.400
Chuck Norris can drown a fish. 728 7.398
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins. 772 7.394
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris. 749 7.383
Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul. 891 7.382
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off. 754 7.354
When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris. 772 7.341
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a **** Jeep.
1031 7.336
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost. 744 7.333
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris 799 7.330
The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake. 808 7.328
Chuck Norris can make a paraplegic run for his life. 275 7.327
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box. 682 7.326
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick. 872 7.323
Chuck Norris once bowled a 300. Without a ball. He wasn't even in a bowling alley. 282 7.319
Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism. 1204 7.304
Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris. 900 7.293
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies". 1099 7.288
The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things. 778 7.274
Chuck Norris doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the **** out of the way. 537 7.274
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. 748 7.262
When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please." 968 7.256
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further. 497 7.256
Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the **** Chuck Norris is. 874 7.200
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. 845 7.176
Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims. 780 7.172
A rogue squirrel once challenged Chuck Norris to a nut hunt around the park. Before beginning, Chuck simply dropped his pants, instantly killing the squirrel and 3 small children. Chuck knows you can't find bigger, better nuts than that. 589 7.170
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye. 482 7.170
Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now." 907 7.163
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist. 719 7.149
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet. 673 7.146
Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis. 786 7.134
Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better **** do what Chuck Norris says. 736 7.128
Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Chuck's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure. 849 7.124
Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery." 823 7.124
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. 818 7.119
Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil. 793 7.119
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. 727 7.116
Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die. 797 7.114
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you." 728 7.114
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is. 726 7.113
Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing. 790 7.109
Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him. 737 7.109
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made. 805 7.107
Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry. 847 7.094

srry bout the spaces i dont feel like seperating 100 chuck norris jokes btw the numbers are VOTES AND RATINGS in that order

thats all... FOR NOW

you got that from the site huh..?

..so many Chuck Norris jokes.. -.-;

Most of them are funny though

Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.


No standard web pages containing all your search terms were found.

Your search - Chuck Norris - did not match any documents.

Suggestions:

* Run, before he finds you
* Try a different person

CHUCK NORRIS JOKES (breathes in) Ok I Forget Who's Chuck Norris?

hes the toughest dude in the planet

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim on land

lol

lol these are funny
@ pie: haha nice one

hehe

@ DARKRAICLONE you'd better hope he doesn't find you now for saying that... e.e

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did

that is actually possible